


The Adventures of Catti and JJeans

by Sunset_Queen



Category: Elder Scrolls, Homestuck, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Work, Steven Universe (Cartoon), TOLKIEN J. R. R. - Works & Related Fandoms
Genre: Adventure, Blood Magic, Gen, Magic, Mostly a jokefic, Sea Travel, Slighly angsty at times, Travel based story, Typing Quirks, space travel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2020-01-09
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:15:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22046998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sunset_Queen/pseuds/Sunset_Queen
Summary: JJeans JJorts, a troll who wears only denim and embodies the essence of denim, crash lands on the foreign planet Middle-Earth together with Catti(full name Catiuscia) an Elven princess from a far away land. Together, they navigate the new world and discover their true destinies - however strange they may be, and seek treasure in places unknown to man, Elf, or Alternian,
Relationships: Original Female Elf Character & Original Troll (Homestuck)
Kudos: 2





	1. Crashlanded

**Author's Note:**

> Credits for JJeans JJorts (and by extension JJorts JJeans) come from my friend Peeby on Discord, a connoisseur of fantroll OCs.

JJeans JJorts, of Mazavan, had built a spaceship in under three days, and was excited to test it out. He had rented a launch time for his amateur spaceship’s launch at Spaceport Vantas, and after a five-hour drive across half of the small moon of Little Alternia’s surface, he arrived at the spaceport constructed by Aradia Vantas with the help of her sister Feferi Vantas. JJeans soon took off (in a cloud of mayonnaise, of course), and was far above the rocky moon soon enough. He put on his favorite song, Karkalicious(because, of course), and it soon reached his favorite line “Trolls be linin’ down the veil for a 4. 3. 2. Fuck you.” 

As soon as fuck you blasted through the speakers of his spaceship, the whole spaceship quivered and creaked, and its denim exterior started to catch fire. JJeans panicked for a moment “How could this be, My very jown jaceship, catjjing fire!”

Catti(full name Catiuscia Ordana), a powerful Elven witch, was ready to test her magnum opus of spells. Distilled from the blood of angels which rains down on her city on All Howl’s Eve, and infused with the feathers of an avian lich, this spell would carry her to the lesbian harem anime of her dreams. She drank the disgusting mixture, and suddenly found herself in a new place.

“WHAT jare jjou DOING jin here!” asked the inquisitive and terrified JJeans, as he stared at this mysterious witch with skin like silver and lips like gold.

“Uh, I don’t know… I just cast this spell and found myself here. Where am I?”

“Ji don’t know but Ji think we’re jall gonna DIE!” yelled JJeans. “Joh, Ji suppose Ji should jjntroduce mjjself. Ji’m JJeans JJorts, dancestor jof JJorts JJeans, spaceship builder, jand jevidentljj not ja good jone.” 

“Greetings, I am Princess Catiuscia Ordana, queen of the Elven Realm of Iriathalar, in the world of the Nexus, Iarde Epsilon-Reality. But you can just call me Catti.” Suddenly all their words were silenced, as the spaceship *Denim’s Praise* crash landed into the lake of Lórellin, near the sleepy town of Murmuran in the land of Valinor.

When the two awoke, they suddenly found themselves out of the water, in a small but elegant palace in a foreign land JJeans had only seen from the moon above. JJeans was changed into khakis while asleep, which made him FURIOUS, though Catti’s calm words were enough to prevent him from outbursting. They stood in front of a queen they had never met, an Elf like Catti, but a far different kind.

“Hello. I am Istarë Vanyelinta, Queen of the land of Valinor.” The Elf-Queen spoke with a calm and tempered voice, measuring her words with the melody only the tonal Elvish tongue can provide. “Lindo the Sinda of Vanimor informed me of your… catastrophic arrival, and helped us rescue you from the waters of Lórellin, and from the Loch Monster Irmo who dwells there. I hope you will find this situation… adequate.” 

“Greetings oh queen, I’m Catti! A princess from a far away land! I made a *little* oopsie with a spell, and found myself here with my friend JJeans who I just met, but it’s alright! Nice to meet you! Oh and your voice is so beautiful I think I’m falling in gay again.” spoke the wayward princess, her nervousness conveyed easily in her voice.

“Jand Ji’m JJeans jof Little Jalternia. Why the FUCK did jjou jjust put me jin khorts. That’s so very cursed jof jjou.”

“Calm now,” said Queen Istarë, “and welcome to the paradise of the Elves. With my farseeing powers I can foresee you two becoming great adventurers of wonderful renown. Oh, and apologies, Catiuscia, I’m taken!” This was a lie. At least the taken part, she knew that JJeans and Catti wouldn’t achieve their full potential if one of them stayed behind to be her lover. The real question was - How did Istarë know of the true, full name of Catiuscia Ordana?

“Y- you know my name?” exclaimed Catiuscia, taken aback by the statement, but not surprised by the context.

“Istarë knows much, tells some. The Queen knows many things that others do not.”

“Hejj, loosen jup ja bit! Catti had ja perfectljj reasonable question!” spoke JJeans JJorts, tired and not wanting to take any bullshit from anyone.

“How dare you disrespect the Queen-” said the Pleiadian Artificer Calcelmo, one of the chief advisors to Queen Istarë, before being interrupted - again - by his very Queen that he serves.

“Ah, overzealous Calcelmo always wanting to defend my honor, well I have an ability to see the future. It’s not perfect, only has 50% accuracy a year out, but the timelines brought you together in this moment, to serve the Wanderer’s Goddess, Respendia, Queen of the Road and Sail. She requires no worship, but all who travel the worlds do her bidding nevertheless. And I merely thought calling you Catiuscia would be good because I could reveal this vision to you? But I understand how you, even a mage but not a diviner, may be… disturbed.”

“Well well, shouldn’t we then be jon jour vojjajje?” JJeans JJorts said, excited about something for the first time in his life to this magnitude it seemed.

“Not yet.” spoke one of Calcelmo’s guards, Erisande daughter of Cumrene. “The Queen has granted you free access to any open inn room in Valinor, and encourages you to stock up in whatever goods you need to sail East to Endor proper. Money isn’t really a thing here, so just kind words should get you everything you need. Additionally, here’s a map of the whole world, from the lands of Vinyëa all the way over to Rómenórë. You’re here, in New Valmar, city of my Queen.” 

“Thank you for your graciousness, madam. And thank you great queen for providing us this opportunity! I still miss my home and my wife and my lovers, but I’m sure I can return to them soon enough, and I have this telepathic communication with them nevertheless.” ...Telepathic communication? Catti had never heard of such a thing, but she tried it, fair enough, and it worked! What wonders had the new land unlocked in her? What would she discover next?

Catti and JJeans stayed the night in one of the most prestigious bed-and-breakfasts in Valinor, said to be built by the false gods Makar and Mëássë themselves. In a few days, they were at the port of Alqualondë ready to sail east into the mortal lands beyond Aman. But that. My lads and ladesses, is a story for another time.


	2. In the Wake of Eärendil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After their adventure in Valinor, Catti and JJeans join one of the monthly ships crossing the Belegaer, and find themselves on an ancient island with an even older history.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credits for JJeans JJorts and JJorts JJeans go to my friend Percy on discord, as always. Credit to the yet-to-be-introduced Harmony Gems goes to EquestrianKirin and their My Little Universe series.

A week after their arrival, JJeans and Catti had found themselves at the docks of Alqualondë, accompanied by the Elf-Lord Daenrast Shadywood, who came from across the sea on a stately visit and happened to be travelling back to Middle-Earth at the same time as JJeans JJorts and Catti Ordana planned to voyage across the sea. With no need for currency in this strange land, the two travelers were able to freely board the ship scheduled to set sail that day, the *Eryn Vorn*, a ship built in the harbors of Mirthlindon and designed to swiftly carry people across the great Belegaer, regardless of direction.

On the first day of sailing, (they departed early on the morning of December 24th, or Log Date 264 year 3 according to the *Eryn Vorn*’s shiplogs), the waters were calm and the skies clear, and they passed by the Blessed Isle of Tol Eressëa blissfully and peacefully. The night, like the day, was calm - Catiuscia remarked on the beautiful glory of the Creation Worlds above, while JJeans was less surprised and awestruck - living on the airless moon of Little Alternia meant one could easily see the stars in their fullest glory.

On Log Date 265 year 3, the ship passed easily through the Enchanted Isles through the elven magic of the Elessar, or elf-stone mounted on its bow. This was a tradition of all the ships that sailed the great Belegaer between Endor and Aman, and a necessary one, for the Enchanted Isles would wreck any ship that did not bear sufficient Elven magic, and though Catti’s inherent magic would have been enough, nobody knew that, not even her. Besides, some cultural traditions deserve to be observed, don’t they?

The night of Log Date 265-266 Year 3 was a tumultuous one, as a tropical storm washed over the ship. Everyone scrambled to get inside the hull and cabins, as quickly as they could, not that many people would be stargazing in this weather. Captain Terabora had a strong, commanding voice, and she was able to rally everyone safely inside to ride out the storm, while she herself steered the ship through the chaos. While in the cabins below the deck, looking out at the sea through a magically reinforced window, JJeans remarked inquisitively at the water’s color as it rose and fell throughout the storm, noticing a similarity between the churning of the ocean and his sacred denim. How peculiar, he thought.

Early next morning, the storm was still carrying on, and the Ship’s Mate Gwenbora had taken over from Captain Terabora, her sister, allowing Terabora to get some much needed rest. The storm passed though, soon enough, and the entire crew as well as the two travelers caught a glimpse of the sacred isle of Meneltarma, last remnant of Númenor of old. Catti was awestruck by the beauty of its now worn down and grassy peak, the island about a mile in diameter, but the ship soon passed so that the island was out of sight. The rest of the day was quite uneventful, except for the harsh turn north the ship had to make to be headed to Mrithlindon, her destination.

Log Date 257 Year 3, or December 27th, passed quickly by all regards, and it was on this day that JJeans and Catti took temporary positions in the crew, seeking to prove their worth to the ship’s captain and crew. JJeans, a diminutive troll, was able to work in the rigging pretty well, making sure that the sails were stable and adjusted in the right direction for everything to work swimmingly, while Catti, as an experienced alchemist, joined the fishing crew. Many “Cape Fly Away” islands, a term for clouds that appear to be islands in the distance, were spotted, though it was clear to the crew they were not real islands, as these seas were well charted. Or so they thought.

Log Date 258 Year 3, a strong wind blew the *Eryn Vorn* West at accelerating speeds, against the will of Captain Terabora, and when it had let up they found themselves nearing a small island not marked on many maps. This was no Cape Fly Away, in fact the island was much larger and more tangible than Meneltarma. As the wind had blown the *Eryn Vorn* far to the west, and supplies would soon run low, Captain Terabora commanded the crew to make landfall. The ship, Catti, JJeans, and all landed on the island in a soft sandy beach, and Catti’s elf-eyes could see tall towers in the distance, of a city more majestic than even New Valmar.

JJeans and Catti were the first to set foot on this new land, and they were greeted by a man who called himself Calum, who said this land was called Enëadur. Calum was the son of King Eldden, though lawfully disinherited himself in favor of his sister Ealasaid. It had been thousands of years since the un-seaworthy people of Enëadur had hosted travelers, and this was a momentous occasion, for the Enëadurians had thought the world had faded and they were the last survivors on a desolate planet.

JJeans JJorts soon greeted Calum. “Jello, jow jare jyou strange jone. Ji jam the jarvelous JJeans JJorts jof Jittle Jalternia, jand this jis jy jale crush, Jatti Jordana”

“Uh… what… even… are you.. Sir?” spoke Calum, perplexed by JJeans’s strange speech.

Catti soon spoke: “Oh, he’s just like that. He speaks in what’s called a typing quirk, wherein his speech is a sort of strange dialect. He means to greet you.”

“Oh, well.” spoke Calum. “Welcome, Catti and JJorts! Welcome to the forsaken isle, to Enëadur!”

“Thank jyou, jut jy jame jis JJeans, jot JJorts.”

“Well, anyway, let me lead you to the palace of my father, King Eldden. He’ll be excited to know there are still people out there!” Calum said.

The entire crew followed Calum through the two-mile hike through the wood of Enëadur, and soon found themselves at the castle’s back entrance. There they waited, while Calum spoke to the King himself, making sure everything was clear for the 80 odd travelers. There was no fear of disease, but it was *quite* surprising after two thousand and twenty years of isolation to suddenly be greeted with such a large band of travelers. Soon enough though they were able to walk into the castle, and Terabora was appointed as their makeshift leader to run the negotiations, and she happily took on this role.

“Greetings, and Welcome Travelers to the Isle of Enëadur! I am King Eldden, ruler of this forsaken land. It has been SO LONG since we last contacted anyone from the outside world, and we are happy to see there’s still people out there!” Eldden spoke with a calm but commanding voice, and he could be heard throughout the whole throne room with little effort.

“Hello King Eldden, I am Captain Terabora of the *Eryn Vorn*. We were blown west by a strong wind, chanced upon your uncharted island, and decided to make landfall as we’ll need more supplies if we want to get to Mirthlindon(which is where we’re headed). The two travelers who greeted your son the Prince are new to this world, their names are JJeans JJorts and Catiuscia Ordana, or just call them JJeans and Catti. We are happy to make landfall in your foreign land, despite it being a very surprising event.” Terabora spoke somewhat shyly but nevertheless audibly across the couple-meter gap between her and King Eldden’s throne.

Eldden spoke again, confident that he was making the right choices for his kingdom, and unaware that the past five thousand years had been the same day repeating over and over again, the cycle only broken by the arrival of Terabora and the *Eryn Vorn*. “Well, Calum is no prince, (he disinherited himself in favor of his sister Princess Ealasaid, pronounced EL-lis-edge), but he and the princess will be happy to give you all a tour of our small kingdom, and the city of Loch Enaid.” He knew there wasn’t really a lake or sea loch here, but “loch” was a corruption of the ancient “Lond”, meaning a port or harbor. Enaid itself came from Enëadur, which now only referred to the kingdom as a whole. “But first, let the introductions commence!”

And so it came that the Royal Family of Enëadur would meet the crew of the *Eryn Vorn*, and Calum, freed from the ancient temporal prison of Enëadur, would voyage into the world abroad, joining Catti, JJeans JJorts, and eventually a strange group of magical technicolor horses and aliens, on an adventure across the broad lands of Middle-Earth itself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second chapter woohoo! The next chapter or two will introduce a crossover with the wonderful work of EquestrianKirin on Fimfiction, and their My Little Universe series, itself a crossover between My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and Steven Universe.


	3. Mirthlindon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Calum, Catti, and JJeans visit the city of Mirthlindon and get lost - twice - before continuing on their prophesied journey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credits for JJeans JJorts and JJorts JJeans go to my friend Percy on discord, as always. Credit for the Harmony Gems goes to EquestrianKirin and their My Little Universe series.

With Calum joining the crew of the *Eryn Vorn* as a net-fisherman, gathering valuable food for the journey, and with the crew of the *Eryn Vorn* now having plenty of fresh water, the ship was ready to sail the shorter-than-expected distance to Mirthlindon.

Log Date 271 Year 3(December 31st) was the day in which the Eryn Vorn set sail from Enëadur, having to navigate itself around the island as the port was to the west side, however the rest of the journey was smooth sailing, Terabora noted. Nothing eventful happened to Catti, JJeans, or Calum either, except for this being Calum’s first ever voyage from the isolated land of Enëadur.

Log Date 272 Year 3(January 1) was uneventful for the majority of the day, but at night the *Eryn Vorn* passed into the Gulf of Mirthlindon, wherein is located the cities of Amon Rast, Mirthlindon, and Stag’s Landing. Early in the morning, right before dawn, they made landfall at the Docks of Mirthlindon, the greatest harbor on the continent of Middle-Earth. Here, the Old Lords Kírdana and Galdor, who lived in Mirthlindon before the arrival of the Empress and the Queen, were waiting at the docks for a shipment of pure mithril, carried from the Queendom of Gondor, not knowing that it had run aground near Bar-i-Dinuviel to the south of Mirthlindon, in the Elven Reach, and she happily greeted the travelers even though their ship was not at all similar to the Gondorian ships that would be carrying Kírdana’s precious mithril.

“Hello, travelers, and welcome to the land of the Dragon and the Stag!” Kírdana said, immediately recognizing the captain of the ship as her friend and confidant(and great-x-16 granddaughter) Terabora. “Or welcome back!”

Terabora replied in turn “Hello my dear Kírdana, Lady of the Havens! We’ve had a long long voyage to get here, longer than usual. Let me tell you about how we discovered the-” Suddenly she was interrupted by Lord Galdor.

Lord Galdor spoke strongly and sternly, “What in the nine worlds is that?” pointing at the horned JJeans covered head to toe in denim.

“Oh… that’s just JJeans JJorts,” Terabora commented, “He’s an odd fellow, came here from the moon above, and crash-landed in the Blessed Land of Aman. He’s quite nice though!”

“M… hm…?” Galdor acted audibly distrustful of JJeans, and Terabora by extension. He turned his eyes to the ship and saw the whole crew of the *Eryn Vorn* leaving the ship as they stepped onto the docks of Mirthlindon, Calum, Catti, and JJeans included. Some of them, like the three above, ahd never stepped foot here or in Middle-Earth at all!

Mid-morning, the crew of the *Eryn Vorn* had dispersed around the city, some going to marketplaces, some returning to their homes in Mirthlindon or visiting family here, and others, like JJeans, Catti, and Calum Endryv, simply exploring the great city at their own pace. Many of them would never board the *Eryn Vorn* or perhaps even never set sail to Aman ever again. But for JJeans, Catti, and Calum, this was a first-in-a-lifetime experience, with Calum having never before been on any other landmass besides Enëadur, and JJeans and Catti continuing their exploration of this strange new world. 

It would happen soon that Catti and JJeans would be lead to the Great Palace of Mirthlindon, a monumental structure comprised of seven massive halls aboveground, and three delvings below. The Palace was part museum and part functional living chambers, with five of the great halls and two of the underground halls housing thousands of artifacts and artwork from across the world and even places beyond this world each. 

JJeans and Catti spent hours wandering the palace, and, when they were unable to find their way out of the museum, went to sleep on the soft carpeted floors of the Contemporary Vinyëan Art department of the Vinyëan Art and History Museum, one of the two underground museums and three underground halls. They were woken up by a disgruntled guard, Yuriana Llankai, who had emigrated here from the Cuscoan Empire of South Vinyëa, bringing some of his art and carvings with him, and had little tolerance for people sleeping on his museum floor. 

“GET UP!” he shouted at the duo JJeans and Catti, surprisingly loud for such a small man. This alarmed JJeans and Catti, and Catti began profusely apologizing on the spot. She said that she and her traveling companion JJeans JJorts had been stuck down here, not knowing the way out, since yesterday evening, and Yuriana, despite refusing to apologize for his harsh behavior, guided them up to the main stairwell, where they promptly got lost again after climbing back above ground, wandering into the halls of those known only as the Queen and the Empress, the great throne room of Mirthlindon.

Calum, too, had gotten lost. He was wandering the streets of Mirthlindon when he found himself in a seemingly endless alleyway after climbing down from the ladder that led him there. (Someone said there was an exotic food called “pizza” in there, and he was eager to try it, having eaten little more than fruits and fish in his homeland. There, after getting tired of walking a long way back, he came across a strange wooden door, engraved in the most beautiful woodcarvings he had ever seen, and he didn’t know where it led. “Only one way to find out” he muttered to himself, and opened it.

JJeans had helped his friend Catti up out of the depths of the Mirthlindon Palace and Museum, and now he was determined to find a way out of here entirely. Catti, however, was more timid and less enthusiastic as she followed JJeans quietly. She came across another person and asked shyly “Where-where are we? We got lost once and now we’re lost again?

The guard said, “You are in the presence of the Empress and the Queen. Please show some respect, traveler.” He then turned to see not only the troll JJeans, but also Calum, who had just come from the back door. “You too, vagrant.” he said again as he glanced over at the disinherited prince.

Catti then bowed timidly to the guard, stopping for a moment as she processed his words. The guard then led the three, Calum included, to the front of the throne room. As they prepared to leave, the Empress herself spoke, with a strong, commanding voice. “You there, the one with the horns. We of the Kingdom desire to meet with you. And your companions as well, strange one.”

That made JJeans JJorts turn suddenly towards the front of the chamber. The denim-covered troll tried to keep a respectful distance, before the Queen herself, wife of the Empress, beckoned him, Calum, and Catti further forward. 

“Istarë’s prophecy foretold your arrival to Mirthlindon, denim covered one. You as well, mystery elf, and the vagrant too. Now, tell us your names.”

“H-hi, I’m Catiuscia Ordana, but you can just call me Catti I guess?” Catti said in her timid voice, very nervous after getting lost twice in the same massive building.

“Hello, I’m Calum Endryv, or Calion Enëadurwa, former prince of Eneadur, and now traveler of the great lands, it seems. I am pleased to meet you, Empress and Queen.” Calum was proud of his heritage!

“Jello! Ji jam the glorious JJeans JJorts, jof Jittle Jalternia! Ji jas jjust jost jij this jere jalace, when je jame jupon jou jall.”

“Translation, please?” spoke the Empress, not understanding JJeans’s quirk at all.

Catti was happy to translate JJeans JJorts’s quirk for him, though used a quite liberal translation. “He says he’s JJeans JJorts, that he’s “glorious” and from a land called Little Alternia, the moon above your world. He says he was lost(really it was all of us) in the great expanse of your palace, and that there’s where we came upon you all.”

“Very well,” said the Queen, “We are happy to meet you three as well! In accordance with the prophecy we have provided you three with plenty of resources for your journey through the Forodwaith!”

“W-wait,” said the Empress, “you’re sending them to the Forodwaith? That forbidding icy cold and to the furthest north, so cold only gods live there?”

“Well, it’s not me,” the Queen said, “It’s the prophecy-”

“But-” the Empress interrupted again.

“No buts.”

“You can’t be serious.”

“Oh they’ll be *fine,* I promise. Besides, they’ll have the Harmony Gems with them!”

Calum was next to speak. “First off, what is the Forodwaith, and secondly, who are the Harmony Gems?”

Pinkie Pie burst into the throne room at just that moment, followed by her entourage of Gems and Ponies. “Did someone say Harmony Gems? Ah yes, we’re a group of magical ponies and gay space rocks out to protect the universe and everyone within it! Isn’t that *awesome!*” She then proceeded to do a backflip, an astounding feat for the four-legged creature.

Pinkie Pie eagerly introduced the Harmony Gems to the trio - Pearl, Garnet, Amethyst, Steven(and Lion), Lapis Lazuli, Peridot, Jasper, Jade, Flint, Fulgurite, Star Quartz, Twilight, Rarity, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy - while Catti, Calum and JJeans introduced themselves. Then, the crew together went out to get dinner in one of the greatest taverns in all of Mirthlindon, and soon, their adventure would commence once again!


End file.
